The nearly complete Legal Limericks, Murder Ballads
and Crime and Punishment Poems of Vance Holmes,
AKA . . . Poetic Justice


Recall each gruesome detail,
Every horrible, bloody fact;
Never forget the crime -- for
Memory is a moral act.

Michael Peterson Trial

No New Years at NASH

How do you ring in the New Year,
When you're guilty each day of the week?

How do you sing of tomorrow,
When you can't stand to hear yourself speak?

One day bleeds into the next
in succession --
An army of weeks
in an endless procession;

Nothing happy or new
in the turn of a year,
Just a note, the Grim Reaper
Draws ever more near.

How do you cheer a beginning,
When you've robbed yourself of life's breath?

How do you celebrate hope for what's next,
When you've bludgeoned your dreams to death?

Control Freak Accident

Lie and say you lost control,
do ten years for killing your wife;
Lie and claim she lost control,
sit in prison for the rest of your life.

Coincidence Spatter Analysis

One suspicious death, does not a pattern make;
It's impossible, from a single fall, to say it's real or fake;
But a second fatal event is a wholly different matter,
it allows for an inspection of the coincidental spatter.

Some large and obvious similarities, may reveal a single source,
and the smaller the coincidences -- the greater was the force.
Look for tiny dual details, dots in odd and angled degrees,
and the cast off stains of haunted lives that appear in twos and threes.

From guilty smears and transfer stains of similar shape and size,
two homicides will converge, in a string of deadly lies --
tying together twin details from remote and distant times,
to a point of common origin, the perpetrator of both crimes.

The Dr. Dirk Greineder Trial

On the First day of Halloween
My True Love gave to me:

Twelve Joggers Jogging,
Eleven Dogs a-barking,
Ten Neighbors Strolling,
Nine Sneaker Footprints,
Eight Guilty Statements,
Seven DNA Stains,
Six Zip-Lock Baggies,
Five Maps of the Scene!

Four Defensive Wounds,
Three Loaf-Pans,
Two Surgical Gloves, and
A Hammer and knife near a tree.


An aging, Allergy Specialist,
caught Spring Fever in the Fall,
but cured himself in October by killing May.

Like Christmas in July,
he stabbed his Valentine in the heart,
and tricked the kids that Happy Halloween day.

Dr. Dirk's To-Do List

1. re-start health club membership
2. casually purchase loaf pans
3. hide bloody gloves in doghouse
4. renew Viagra prescription
5. map out the crime scene to get story straight
6. call hooker girlfriend
7. act depressed about "old softy" being dead
8. avoid Britt
9. wash dog

Dr. Dirk's Funniest Lines

Is she dead? Am I going to be arrested?

I'm thinking of all these crazy things. Like -- last night May
gave me a back rub --
so you'll probably find my skin underneath her fingernails.

She -- she twisted her back. She has a bad back.

She tripped on a pebble and threw her back out.

I signed the form because the police said they were going
to take my clothes and shoes away.

Don't go in the van!

They are going to think it's me... I've seen them on TV.

I'm a doctor!!! Why can't I help my family?

Someone attacked her. It's definitely an attack.

I know what I know, and I don't know exactly what you're asking me,
and I can't tell you exactly what you're asking,
because you're asking what I don't know.

This isn't real. It's like a movie. I was right there and I didn't see anything.

I think she's dead I'm not sure. I'm a doctor.

"Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world."
-- Percy Bysshe Shelley

The Rabbi Neulander Trial

Fleecing the Flock
A Bathroom Guy's Guide to the Universe

There once was a Rabbi Neulander,
Whose speeches were preached with no candor;
When he reached his demise,
This teacher of lies,
Taught us each, of betrayal and slander.

There once was a Jewish type minister,
Who really was quite sinister,
He murdered his wife,
But only got life, cause
Capital Punishment costs too much to administer.

The Very Best of Rabbi Neulander

"I just came home and my wife is on the floor and there's blood all over.
I don't know what to do."

"I think about her a great deal… Its always painful."

"However wrong it was, we made the decision if there were
needs that could not be fulfilled inside the marriage then we would go outside the marriage."

"It was wrong, it is wrong, it will be wrong."

"I did not want the only thing to be remembered in the house, to be her death."

"I can say I didn't love her. I had no intention of being with her on a permanent basis."

"Oh, they'll never find the person."

"We were physically incompatible."

"I knew not what to do."

Keep Your Mouth Shut and Your Arms Open
By Rabbi Adam Plony

The David Westerfield Trial

A trek through the desert with no direction;
Fingerprints, blood and a child porn collection;
The reward for murder and wicked deception?
A trial, and verdict and a lethal injection.

The Day Before

The day before death
she was dreaming of Rome;
Just passing the time
in her mountain pass home.

No dresses or dancing
or getting hair styled;
The forgettable Friday
of a thoughtful young child.

Just some pizza to eat
And a diary to write;
She lulled through the yawn
of that dull winter night.

The day before darkness
fell black all too soon;
An engineer's plot
carried out by the moon.

Found under an oak
on Dehesa Road;
What so gently was reaped
had been viciously sowed.

Near green singing hills
she silently lay --
A premature mummy
of ashes and clay.

But her Creekside friends,
who haven't forgot --
still have sweet yesterday,
when the girl laughed a lot.

Violation of Due Process

No evidence was offered
No legal motions tried
No testimony proffered
No judge to act as guide.

No crime was ever charged
No direct or cross-exam,
when Prosecutor Westerfield
tried little Danielle van Dam.

No law books were consulted
No experts were advised
No transcripts were recorded
No trial was televised.

No plea was ever bargained for
No jury verdict read;
Yet punishment was swift
and in two days, Danielle was dead.

Neal and Prey

Someone was viewing pornography
on the weekend Danielle was killed;
The defendant was with police --
so it wasn't Dave Westerfield.

Common sense would dictate,
the viewer was young son, Neal,
searching the carnal computer files --
But what does that really reveal?

The frightening February weekend
when the van Dams lost their child,
was not a likely time for
Neal's sex fantasies to run wild.

Since his dad was being questioned
by authorities at that time -- Neal,
most likely, was discovering evidence
of his father's outrageous crime.

Consciousness of Quilt

It wasn't the bloody clothes
or the child pornography;
It wasn't because your hose
wasn't where your hose should be.

Your guilt was not exposed
until, in boxers and a tee --
You stopped at the dry-cleaners
in a thirty-five foot RV.

One With Fifteen Zeros

One teeny speck of blood
One single strand of hair
One hose misplaced
One phone call traced
One free trip to the chair

The loud, proud Steven Feldman,
By a jury of his very own peers,
Will be judged an ineffective councilor,
Who relied on pot smoke and mirrors.

The energetic Feldman
Like his client, so sedate,
Was blocked by Mudd,
on his attempt
to run around the state.

He may have murdered a little girl
And told lie after lie,
But he helped me move out of my apartment --
Dave was just that kinda guy.


"As far as I'm concerned, I didn't do it."

Mountain Dew
dryer sheets

Got Guilt?

The bastard tried to blame me
for the kiddie porn on his shelf;
But please don't kill my Dad,
I'd like to strangle him myself.

The Hossencofft Murder

West of Magdalena, East of Lorazepam

Alien Love Queen from Albuquerque

In the oppressive courtroom atmosphere
too heavy to raise even a brow,
A man cannot raise a reasonable doubt
about who killed who, and how.

It's so hard to explain,
in the harsh light of day,
that art sand and glitter
stole my love kitten away.
And nobody wants to hear now,
of the perfectly innocent option;
Or acknowledge the true time and date,
of my test tube baby's adoption.

Who in their right mind in that courthouse,
Suggests the woman I adored,
Believed Girly was an alien queen,
who should die by a ninja sword?

She may have worshipped acorns,
and danced naked from time to time,
But that doesn't make her crazy,
Or guilty of this crime.

In the abduction of Girly Chew's body,
Blame the aliens that eagerly took part;
But leave Linda Henning alone -- she's
the queen of this reptile's warm heart.

A difficult task
in the harsh light of day,
to explain when you ask,
"Why plant her DNA?"

But nobody wants to know now,
of the militia-minded, predator killer,
the menacing, malignant murderer,
Mental midget, Mr. Bill Miller.

Who all in all Albuquerque,
Truly thinks my pretty kitty love,
Would kill for a chance with the aliens,
to rule from a planet above?

She may have worshipped reptiles,
And danced naked from town to town,
But that doesn't make her guilty
And Girly's body has never been found.


Impotently Furious Reptile

Girly Magdelena

The garden's become a dry desert of guilt,
Linda's love for the devil is all that won't wilt;
Bill has a big stick, but he's walking so soft,
As Linda, like Eve, blames the snake, Hossencofft.

Then Girly with child, who never gave birth;
In an immaculate deception, vanishes from earth.
And Diazien, forever at her feet is unfurled;
The demon at the heel of the Queen of the World.

Test Tube Haikus

Alien Queen Trial --
Diazien Hossencofft was called,
A Girly came out.

Ever wandering
Girly Chew Hossencofft's soul
Ever wandering



(To be sung to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

Trial in New Mexico
Of the Girl you had Bill slay;
Send Henning to death row
Laughing all the way!

Glitter placed on tarp;
Blood in test-tubes spilled;
What fun it is, to laugh and lie,
About the wife you killed.


Diazien's lies, Diazien's lies,
Alibi's for rent.
Oh what fun, it is to con
In a lisping French accent!!


Diazien's lies, Diazien's lies,
Murder's just a game;
Oh what fun, it is to ride
your 15 minutes of fame!

In March 1991, Florence Schreiber Power, 44, a Ewing, N.J., administrative law judge on trial for shoplifting two watches, called her psychiatrist to testify that Powers was under stress at the time of the incidents.

The doctor said Powers did not know what she was doing "from one minute to the next," for the following 19 reasons: a recent auto accident, a traffic ticket, a new-car purchase, overwork, husband's kidney stones, husband's asthma (and breathing machine that occupies their bedroom), menopausal hot flashes, a bad rash, fear of cancer, fear of dental surgery, son's need for an asthma breathing machine, mother's and aunt's illnesses, need to organize her parents' 50th wedding anniversary, need to cook Thanksgiving dinner for 20 relatives, purchase of 200 gifts for Christmas and Hanukkah, attempt to sell her house without a Realtor, lawsuit against wallpaper cleaners, purchase of furniture that had to be returned, and a toilet in her house that was constantly running.

She was convicted.


No Brains, No Braun
I was here,
but now I'm gone;
I've left my slander
to carry on


Alex and Derek
sought out a thrill;
Alex and Derek
decided to kill.

All the King's arson
and all the King's lies,
Couldn't conceal
their father's demise.

"There's something supremely satisfying about being insulted by someone who can't spell."

-- Poetic Justice

“Something of vengeance I had tasted for the first time; as aromatic wine it seemed,
on swallowing, warm and racy: its after-flavour, metallic and corroding,
gave me a sensation as if I had been poisoned.”

-- Charlotte Brontë

"Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a part of it.
Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself."